An Interesting Bit From Charlie's Past
by Faerie in Combat Boots
Summary: When Walt gets bored Charlie decides to reveal a chocolicious morsel of his past. Is he the infamous Charlie Bucket of WOnka fame? Charlie and the Chocolate FactoryLost crossover. Insanity ensues! Short chappies, but they're rather silly. BACK IN BUSINESS
1. Walt's Bored and Charlie Tells a Story

Disclaimer- I do not own Lost or any of the characters or actors affiliated. I also do not own Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Don't sue. Spoilers below. This is not for profit and it's entirely fiction! As far as I'm concerned   
Chapter 1: Walt's bored and Charlie tells a story

Walt kicked the sand. For the first time since the crash, he was bored. He didn't want to build the raft. He didn't want to do anything. Everyone was sad because Boone was dead. They were all paying attention to the new baby.  
Charlie noticed the small boy looking glum and walked over to him.  
"What's wrong Walt?" he asked.  
"I'm bored." Walt said.  
"You want to hear a story?" Charlie asked. He'd been itching to tell this story on his mind, but didn't think anyone would believe him.  
"Is it about DriveShaft?" Walt asked.  
"No." Charlie said stiffly.  
"It's about when I was a boy. When I went to the Chocolate Factory."

"A chocolate factory?" Walt asked.  
"Yeah, you see when I was about ten or eleven there was this contest. This chocolatier, Willy Wonka, had put five golden tickets in his chocolate bars for five lucky kids to find." Charlie began.  
"This sound a lot like a movie I've seen..." Walt said.  
"Shut up and listen" Charlie said.  
"And let me continue"


	2. He was as Fat as Hurley, but not as Nice

Charlie continued with the story.  
"Now when I was growing up it was me, my brother Liam, me mum and da and all four of our grandparents."   
"What story are you telling now?" Claire asked, coming towards them with the baby.  
"The one about the time you got your head stuck in a drainpipe?"  
Charlie rolled his eyes.   
"No, this is about the time I visited a chocolate factory." he said.  
Claire raised her eyebrows skeptically.  
"Anyway" Charlie continued.  
" Because there was so many of us we didn't have much money. But we tried to make the best of it. When the contest started, I was very excited you know. I thought I might get a chance to win. But as soon as my brother heard this he punched me in the arm and said: 'Baby brother, what chance have you got winning a golden ticket, you have to buy the bloody candy first. So only the porky kids and rich kids will win'  
He was right the first kid to win was this lardy bloke named Augustus Gloop, from Germany. He was bloody fat. Like Hurley, only not as nice."  
"I RESENT THAT!" They all heard Hurley say, walking over.  
"Let me continue man, Augustus was never as cool as you" Charlie said.   
"What are you talking about?" asked Hurley.  
"Oh just sit down and hear the bloody story" Charlie growled


	3. Not Even the Baby Dribbles Like That

Chapter 3: Not even the baby dribbles like that

"Well my parents had forgotten my birthday in December so they were going to get me my present as soon as they could. I knew already what it was. A Wonka bar, all smooth and chocolately...and..." Charlie cut off   
"CHARLIE WAKE UP!" Everyone shouted.  
"Sorry, I was thinking about chocolate." Charlie said.  
"Your covered in drool Charlie" Hurley said.  
"Urgh" Claire groaned.  
"Not even the baby dribbles like that"   
Charlie sighed and continued: " Well the next child to win was this brat Veruca Salt. She reminded me of Shannon because she was rich and spoiled. Can she hear me say that? Because she'll kill me if she does.  
Hmm I barely remember any of this. Too many dr-"   
"Too many whats?" Walt asked.  
"Too many Drag Queens beating me with their high heels. Now let me continue. The next kid to win was this other brat Violet Beauregard, who was chewed gum all the time and was obsessed with winning. All seemed nearly hopeless. Not completely hopeless. But nearly hopeless. Completely different. Like a Donkey and a Mule..."  
"Charlie we want to hear the story" Claire said.


	4. But I didn't know how to tie a knot

Chapter 4: But I didn't know how to tie a knot so I decided to live anyway.

"Okay okay I'll continue. My parents gave me my belated birthday present. A Wonka bar. But I didn't get a ticket. So I shared it out Cause I was the good child unlike Liam. It was the best chocolate in the world..."  
"you're doing it again." Claire said.   
"Huh?"  
"You're daydreaming you big-eared twit" she said.  
"That hurt" Charlie said, before continuing.   
" Well, there was no hope left. So I decided to hang myself. But I didn't know how to tie a knot, so I decided to live anyway. The fourth ticket was found by some wiener named Mike Teevee, and I felt terrible. Even when my grandpa told me, he once worked for Wonka. Which I didn't believe, because after all this is the same man who walked around with his underwear on his head singing: "God save the Queen".  
Anyway, one day Liam and I were walking down the street when we found a ten-pound note. After a bit of a fight, which I won sorta. I ran into a candy shop and spent it before the jerk could steal it and pants me. I bought some Wonka bars. The first had no ticket, but I ate it before Liam could shove it down the back of my trousers and bought another. And I saw it, a glimmer of gold. I GOT THE GOLDEN TICKET!"  
At that Charlie and stood up and started doing a victory dance around Claire and Hurley and Walt.   
"What's with the dancing Chuckie, someone put a crab down your shorts?"  
There was Sawyer standing there like some standing uhhh… thing.  
"He's telling a story," Walt said.   
"Anyway, I had won the ticket and ran out of the shop like a bat out of hell and into our house yelling "I WON I WON" and gave all my grandparents a bit of a turn. We were all very excited, and it turns out I was going to the greatest factory since well um... ever I guess"


	5. I hadn't Grown into my Ears Yet

Chapter Five: I hadn't grown into my ears yet.

The gang all sat around waiting for Charlie. He'd run off into the woods for 'intermission' as he put it, as in he had to pee.  
"I'm back I'm back who wants to hear more!" Charlie cried.  
"You're fly's unzipped" Claire said flatly.  
Charlie blushed and zipped before continuing.  
"The next morning Grandpa Joe and I waited outside the factory with the other children and their parents. Everyone stared at us because we were poor and I hadn't grown into my ears yet."  
"You still haven't" Sawyer said.  
"Bite me Sawyer. Anyway, the gates opened, and in we went and I felt this little jolt in my stomach like I swallowed a chipmunk. And a voice called us forward to a great stage with curtains.  
Then they opened and my god was it scary! There were puppets dancing and singing:  
'WIlly Wonka Willy Wonka The amazing chocolatier!  
Willy Wonka Willy Wonka everybody give a cheer!   
He's modest, clever and so smart he barely can restrain it  
and so much generosity..."  
"CHARLIE SHUT UP!" Claire shouted.  
"And stop dancing like a leprechaun"  
Charlie had been doing a 'merry' little jig to the song, but sat down blushing.  
"Then the puppets caught on fire and man was that a laugh! I laughed and laughed and laughed! Everyone stared at me; I was laughing so hard. Then behind us we heard clapping and a voice saying: "WOW!"


	6. Did You Raid Liberace's Closet?

I said that the story was lost, but the forum was saved, so prepare for an update!

Chapter 6: Did you raid Liberace's closet?

"And there he was this strange man in a velvet coat the color of the Vino Tinto Liam and I liked to steal from our parents after they'd had too much, a top hat and huge white goggles" Charlie continued.  
"What a fruit" Sawyer muttered.  
"That's what my granddad said" Charlie said.  
"Someone I think it was either Violet or Mike asked who he was and then granddad said: "It's Willy Wonka you little git' and I stood there agape. That was Willy Wonka? He looked like a strange kind of vampire type man who'd raided Liberace's closet.  
'Good morning starshine, the earth says hello' he said, then he read some words off a little card, but I was too busy staring at those goggles. I mean those were some goggles, like crazy Elton John goggles, the goggliest goggles ever to be..."   
SMACK! Claire smacked Charlie's head and cried: "Continue the story you big eared dope! We don't give a damn about the goggles!"  
"Any way, I looked up at Willy and asked: "Did you raid Liberace's closet?' very honestly. He chose to ignore that and led us all in, past the melted puppets, which granddad had to drag me away from because I was poking them."   
Charlie paused to reflect on his dear dead grandpa. They were very close. It was Gramps who'd taught him how to do proper air-guitar and how to wiggle his ears to "God Save the Queen". Wiping a tear from his ocean blue eye he continued his story.  
" 'Drop your coats anywhere' Mr. Wonka said throwing off his coat and goggles. He had purple eyes, the kind strange Goth girls in black dresses, who write poems and play in graveyards fall in love with."   
"Did you fall in love with him too?" Sawyer sneered.   
"For the last time Sawyer, shut up and listen!" Charlie exploded.  
" I MEAN THIS ENTIRE TIME YOU HAVE BEEN BASHIN EVERY SINGLE THING I'VE SAID!"  
Then Charlie turned an interesting shade of green, and grew bigger making his clothes rip and he had one big scary unibrow. He lifted Sawyer up with his Hulk arms and threw him against a tree shouting:  
"CHARLIE ANGRY!" 

Then, Charlie was back to normal, everyone staring at him wide-eyed with shock. Charlie looked abashed and said very meekly:   
"I think I should stop for a little while"


	7. But is it Edible?

Everyone sat around, no one had seen Charlie do anything like that. Sawyer was still unconscious. Charlie cam back, having changed his shirt (gasp) but his pants were still shreddy.  
"Sorry bout that" he said sheepishly.  
"Shall we continue?"

" All us children introduced ourselves to Mr. Wonka and he wasn't very polite. Just strange. He looked at me and said: "You're just lucky to be here aren't you?" then muttered something about my ears. He led us to a small door, I mean it was tiny. He explained it held all the chocolatey goodness. He stuck a key in it and then a greater door opened and..."

"WHAT!" shouted Walt. "What was in there!"  
"Why'd you stop" Claire asked.  
"I'm trying to create anticipation." Charlie said.  
"Well don't it's stupid" Hurley said. 

"As I said... inside there was a great room filled with strange twisty trees and a chocolate river. Gramps and I were quite literally gobsmacked. ' My factory is the only factory with a waterfall' Wonka said, as I poked random things. They were sticky. 'everything's eatable' he said. 'I'm eatable but that children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies' Then he told us to enjoy. I went up to him. "Is this edible?" I asked pointing to the grass. "Yes" he said.  
Me: 'Is this edible?' pointing to tree  
WW: "yes"  
Me: "Is this edible?" Pointing to flowers  
WW: "YES YES IT'S ALL EDIBLE! EVERYTHING IN THIS BLOODY SHOP IS EDIBLE!"  
Me: Is this edible?


	8. Punched in the Noodles

Chapter 8: Punched in the Noodles

* * *

"Eventually I walked away, because Mr. Wonka was staring at me like he might rip off my face and eat it. I wandered the chocolate room, stuffing my face with candy.  
At one point I reached for beautiful candy apple and that stupid Violet Beauregard snatched it away and put her gum behind her ear before biting into the candy.  
"Why keep it? Why not start a new piece?" I asked, not adding, "you sick sick cow"  
"Because then I'd be a loser. Like you." She sneered.  
"I hope you turn into a giant blueberry," I told her honestly.  
I wandered away and ate more candy watching everyone else act like gits around the candy. The fat one Augustus reminded me of a cow sticking his head straight down into the grass and grazing.  
"MOO!" I cried at him"  
Charlie stopped to laugh. That was one of his favorite things to yell at the fat kids who bullied him in school. Even though it only made him get punched in kidneys and family jewels on a daily basis.  
"I wonder if I'll be able to have kids?" he wondered suddenly, thinking of the daily abuse to his little buddies.  
"What?" Claire exclaimed.  
"What does that have to do with your story?"  
Everyone stared at him.  
"Nothing" Charlie said uneasily.  
"It's just something else. Not everything is about chocolate you know. I mean, jeez Claire what do you want to hear more about, my golden childhood years or Willy Wonka and his kinky chocolate factory?"   
"Kinky?" Claire asked.  
"When did being kinky ever come into the story. God Charlie are you on drugs?"   
Charlie was unusually silent.  
"Anyway Charlie," Hurley piped up.  
"You told me your childhood sucked! That everyday someone punched you in the n-"  
"NOODLES!" Charlie cried tackling Hurley.  
"People punched me in the noodles."  
"Dude, you need help" Hurley said wide-eyed.  
"And can you get off me? I have a feeling in another dimension some sick person may turn this awkward moment into a homosexual romp"  
Just then, a random girl runs by screaming: "YAOI!"  
At this moment, everyone listening to Charlie's tale stopped everything. There was an awkward silence and some Family Guy-esque blinking.  
"So you were telling the story?" Claire said softly.  
"Right" Charlie said climbing off Hurley and settling onto his story telling slash guitar playing log.  
"By the way Hurley you have very supple man boobs"

* * *

Author's note- If you have no idea what Yaoi is here is a simple definition. Graphic Man on MAn Love. It's a popular MAnga theme.  



	9. Gay Fantasies About Hurley

Chapter 9: Gay Fantasies About Hurley

Everyone sat still. Hurley looked horrified at a furiously blushing Charlie.

"What was that!" Hurley choked.

"What? I'm just saying, they're very soft and supple, like a woman's" Charlie said.

"I am going to pretend you didn't say that" Hurley said, face red.

"Walt don't listen to them" Claire said quickly, her mother instincts kicking in.

"Charlie, continue your story, no one really wants to hear about your, gay fantasies about Hurley,"

"Oh god!" Hurley sputtered.

Charlie was as red as a beet.

"Well, I continued to enjoy the Chocolate room, chomping away when I noticed something creepy. A bunch of odd little men were working in the chocolate room, with construction equipment just their size" He continued.

"Were they elves?" Walt asked.

"No! Charlie said.

"Haven't you ever seen The Lord of the Rings? Elves are tall and blonde. These guys were dark and no higher than my knee"

"Were they hobbits?" Claire asked.

"They were wearing shoes" Charlie said.

"They were Oompa Loompas!"

"But Oompa Loompas are orange, with green hair" Sawyer said.

"They don't look Indian."

"Who went to the chocolate factory?" Charlie asked, coldly.

"Anyway, just as Willy Wonka was telling us all about the Oompa Loompas, the fat German woman yelled to her son. His stupid fat head was dipped in the chocolate river like one of those dipping birds, but very fat.

'Little boy!' Wonka called.

'My chocolate must not be touched by human hands!'

'But it's not his human hands, it's his human head' I said.

'Shut up' Willy pouted.

The Augustus fell in the river. I started laughing.

"He could have drowned!" Claire interrupted.

"I didn't know at the time. I thought it was funny" Charlie said.

"He struggled while his mother panic and we all stared not bothering to help. Then we heard a WHOOSH! and a sucking noise. He was being sucked up by a giant pipe. It was extremely hilarious of course until he got stuck. Chocolate was getting blocked by his huge ass. All of us were talking at once and Willy called for his Oompa Loompas. They all filed out, and we heard loud upbeat music.

"It seems they're going to treat us to a little song." Willy said.

"They haven't had fresh audience in many a moon"


End file.
